The One About Poop

My life has a ridiculous number of poop stories. It’s not that I really think that poop jokes are all that funny. It’s that my life IS a poop joke. So you’ve been warned. This story is definitely going down as The One about Poop.

Recently, I moved in with a friend. It’s a pretty fun roommate situation. We’re both into animals. We joke around and have a lot of fun. The one downside is that there’s only one bathroom. That’s usually not an issue though.

Devil Dog Bentley

He’s so not as innocent as he pretends. Here’s proof.

The location is really nice. We’re close to town, but far enough out that the house is right up against the forest. In the morning, I can look outside my window and see the woods. It gets a little spooky at night, with the coyotes howling and the over-active imagination running wild, but I love it.

Around the time I moved in, my friend and I developed a bit of a bad habit of going and getting Costco hot dogs for dinner. For $1.50 you got a hot dog or polish sausage, and a drink. You really can’t beat that deal, and they are really tasty. The rather immediate downside is, shortly after driving away, the burping will start. And these aren’t ordinary burps. They smell like the dead. And they won’t stop. Give it an hour, and the farts start. They are so bad that we name them after the corpses of fictitious old ladies. Thelma. Olga. Gretchen. Matilda. (Apologies to any readers with those names….) Whatever is in those hot dogs really can not be good, but we quickly forget about the discomfort, and go back for more in a few days.

One evening, shortly after moving in, I was sitting in my room, working at my computer after one such hot dog dinner. That night I’d even splurged and gotten TWO hot dogs. I had already been regretting it, but then I got that feeling. I had to visit the restroom. Quick. I all but ran to the bathroom, doing my best to prevent a catastrophe along the way. The door was locked. My friend was having his own post hot dog problems.

The one about poop

I headed back to my room, holding on for dear life and wondering how long I was going to last. Another rumble in my stomach made it clear that wasn’t going to be long. I went and pounded on the door again, but he still couldn’t move. Going back to my room, my stomach made a horrible gurgling. It was time. Desperately, I ran outside and headed for the forest. I feverishly scraped a shallow hole in the icy ground, and dropped my pants.

The one about pooping in the woods

You really don’t need the rest of the details, but that hot dog was not kind coming out.

it's coming out of me like lava!

Later, when my friend found out what had happened, he was appalled and embarrassed. I was laughing. He felt responsible for my misadventure, which just meant I brought it up more. “Yah, well you made me poop in a hole the woods!” can shut down just about any argument or make a grown man blush. Being an outdoorsy guy, I got over it a lot faster than my friend did.

The next couple of days were really nice, and I took the dogs exploring. Every time we passed The Hole in the woods, though, Bentley would try to go over and sniff it. That grossed me out more than the actual incident, and I made sure we kept our distance. There were plenty of other places to explore.

Who wants to go potty?

That Saturday, I clipped on the dogs’ extra long leashes and we hiked through the woods, finding little game trails to follow. The weather had warmed up, so all the ice had melted and made the ground really muddy, so our path was redirected several times to avoid wading in muck. We circled around the forest, and came back toward the house through a tangle of young trees and vines. Any dog would have had some difficulty navigating through this, but dear sweet Quincy is not just any dog. He tied a giant spiderweb knot in those bushes with his long leash. It took a few moments to get him untangled, weaving his leash in and out of the bushes. I finally got him out, though, and turned around.

Naughtiest dog in the WORLD.

Bentley was standing over The Hole. He or some other creature had dug it up. He lowered his head to take a bite.

“BENTLEY NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” I yanked his leash back, but not fast enough. He swallowed.

I rushed the dogs back to my room, completely disgusted, but totally confused about what I was supposed to do now. How do you wash a dog’s mouth out? Brushing his teeth didn’t seem like it would be thorough enough, and he wouldn’t really let me do that anyhow. The germaphobe in me was wondering if just his mouth was contaminated, or if I needed to actually bleach his entire body somehow. And was that even possible without hurting him. Meanwhile, I was still freaking out and yelling “OMGTHATISSODISGUSTINGICAN’TBELIEVEYOUDIDTHATYOUDISGUSTINGLITTLEBRAT!AREYOUSERIOUS?OHMYGOD!!”

I reached my room and hurried them inside. Bentley jumped straight onto my bed and burped…. But not just a burp. He had that look. Ears laid back a little, eyes wide, neck elongated. Something was about to come back up.

The dog who caused WAY too much trouble...

“NOT ON THE BED!” I dove for Bentley, and he jumped off the bed, beginning to puke mid-flight. I only saw a mouthful fly out, but suddenly there was poopy puke everywhere, mixed with kibble chunks. That’s the part that still baffles me. Where did all that puke come from?! Why did it look like he’d had an entire feast of poop?? Excited by the commotion, Quincy was dancing around, very narrowly missing the poopy puke.

Having dogs is FUN. Right?

“EVERYONE OUTSIDE!” Bentley got all excited again, joining Quincy in his dancing among the land mines. I managed to get them both outside at the same time and closed the door. Poop and puke everywhere. But not on the bed, thank goodness. That’s the one thing that went right that day. Not on the bed.

EW! The one about poop.

Thank you to my friend Chad Inks for illustrating this misadventure!

21 Comments

  1. Carol Bryant

    Omg this is a pawsome post and love the illustrations. Very talented and very well written!

    Reply
    1. Ryan Jordan (Post author)

      Haha! Thanks! I laugh every time I see those drawings. Chad did a great job!

      Reply
  2. Jan K

    This reminds me of the time our beagle puppy was into poop eating….and then she’d throw it up. I didn’t think there could be much worse than that for someone like me who doesn’t have a strong stomach….until I read this!!

    Reply
    1. Ryan Jordan (Post author)

      Haha! Yah, that’s bad enough all on its own!

      Reply
  3. Aimee

    OMD! Worst best poop story ever?

    Reply
    1. Ryan Jordan (Post author)

      Both at once, I think. lol I hope it doesn’t get any worse than this!

      Reply
  4. Faith Ellerbe

    I love this post! The illustrations are great, I was so engaged and it was just hilarious!! Most people wouldn’t believe the stories we tell about our dogs.

    Reply
    1. Ryan Jordan (Post author)

      Thanks! My friend did a great job on the drawings! I wouldn’t really mind if someone doesn’t believe this story. I can hardly believe it! haha

      Reply
  5. Cathy Armato

    Wow, you could not have made up a more horrifying story! Thanks for the chuckles though, at your unfortunate expense. Perhaps it’s time to look for a 2 bathroom place??

    Reply
    1. Ryan Jordan (Post author)

      I wish it was made up! LOL I’ll be getting my own bathroom soon, thank goodness!

      Reply
  6. Amy

    Poop is always funny – esp. when something like this happens. OMG way too funny!

    Reply
  7. carleen

    Oh my! That is one poop adventure that I sure never hope to live, lol!

    Reply
  8. Jana Rade

    Ouch, I concur, not on the bed, please! 🙂 We’ve been kind of lucky that way because all of our guys actually even try to take their puking outside. And even when they don’t succeed it ends up at a corned by the door.

    Reply
  9. Amy Shojai, CABC

    Hilarious! Never had this happen, but Magical-Dawg when he was a puppy would pick up his (ahem) leavings and play keep-away, sometimes bringing the “toy” back into the house. Thank doG he outgrew the game. Urk!

    Reply
  10. Emma

    That would be bad. Mom had similar issues when she was a flight attendant and had the flu but was trying to work and the lavs were all occupied. Not good.

    Reply
  11. slimdoggy

    Oh wow…that’s pretty disgusting – glad I wasn’t eating when I read it. Great illustrations.

    Reply
  12. Mary @ Stale Cheerios

    Oh my! I have a few poop stories, but nothing this bad. I’m glad that you can laugh about it now.

    And by the way, I love the illustrations in this post!

    Reply
  13. It's Dog or Nothing

    Hahaha ewwwwww now THAT is a poop story 😉

    Reply
  14. Amanda Yantos

    OMG LOLOL! It’s funny NOW but I can’t imagine being there at the time. You’re writing is fantastic and those illustrations…incredible!

    Reply
  15. Robin Green

    Ryan I love and miss you and our non stop laughing. Knowing your dog’s I can totally see this happening. You my friend are a wonderful storyteller and I’ve never been so disgusted and yet laughed so hard….could not stop reading!!!

    Reply
  16. FiveSibesMom

    I just came over to read from today’s BlogPaws post – OMG – While I feel so bad for you…twice…I am laughing so hard…best.story.ever.

    Reply

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